


Heartsick

by centreoftheselights



Series: Soulsick [2]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Anxiety Attacks, Caretaking, Cuddling & Snuggling, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Jealousy, Love Confessions, M/M, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Relationship Negotiation, Self-Esteem Issues, Sickfic, Stomach Ache, self-deprecation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-06-24 02:13:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19714210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/centreoftheselights/pseuds/centreoftheselights
Summary: Patton loves his new soulmate... but that doesn't make everything okay.





	Heartsick

Patton walked through the front door with a smile on his face.

“Hey, loves! I'm home!”

He could feel that one of his soulmates was at home. Logan was out on a consulting job this week, and no answering greeting came which meant –

Ah. Virgil.

Patton's smile shrank a couple of millimetres.

It wasn't – Patton loved Virgil, of course he did! They were soulmates, and Patton's heart beat a little faster with every shy smile or gentle touch.

Only… well.

“Heya, kiddo!” Patton said, sticking his head around Virgil's bedroom door. It had been their guest bedroom until recently, but Virgil wasn't ready to share with the rest of them yet, so he'd claimed it for now. Logan had slept over with him last night, and Patton could feel the traces of them lingering in the air, like a comforting invisible presence.

“Patton,” Virgil said, giving him a quick salute. “You, uh. Have a good day?”

“Yes, it was great!” Patton told him.

Virgil nodded, turning back to his phone. Patton's heart sank a little.

“I was gonna grab myself a snack, do you want anything?”

“Nah, I'm good,” Virgil said without looking up.

And that was that.

Patton's shoulders slumped as he made his way into the kitchen.

It wasn't that Virgil was quiet, or that he needed alone time sometimes. The same were both true of Logan, but they had worked through it, found a balance of all of their needs. When he wanted to sit quietly, Logan would often bring his book into the living room where the others were hanging out, and join in the conversation when he felt up to it. If he needed to be alone, he would tell them.

Virgil… well, he was figuring it out too. Patton wasn't surprised that the first couple of months had been an adjustment, going from barely knowing them to moving in together overnight! And of course, he'd been recovering, still weak and shaky.

But now months had passed, and Virgil had colour in his cheeks again, and he could blush and tease and flirt with them any time he chose.

And he did.

With Logan and Roman.

Patton had gotten used to watching from the sidelines, seeing Virgil cuddle with Logan on the sofa in the evening, or sprawl in Roman's lap as they watched movies. Watching him laugh at Logan's jokes and tease Roman for his flights of fancy.

But when Patton spoke, it always seemed to fall flat.

Virgil had never pushed him away. Any time Patton asked for a chat, a cuddle, or even a kiss on the cheek, Virgil had given it to him. When there was a group cuddle pile, Logan or Roman would always call him over. But it hadn't escaped his notice that Virgil never asked for Patton, never sought out conversation alone with him. In fact, he seemed uncomfortable whenever they _were_ alone together.

And after a while… Patton had stopped asking. He didn't want to make Virgil uncomfortable, or pressure him. He just wished he understood _why_.

“Greetings, all!” Roman trilled from the doorway. “How are you today, Sour Grape Soda?”

Patton heard a reply in Virgil's voice, a brief conversation that ended with them both laughing, before Roman came through to the kitchen with him.

“And how was your day, my darling puffball?”

Roman nuzzled against Patton's neck, wrapping him into a hug. Patton leant back into it without answering.

“What's wrong?” Roman asked again, quieter. “Are you coming down with something? You don't smell right.”

“No, I'm just… thinking,” Patton said. “I made myself sad.”

“Whatever troubles you, I will rout it without mercy!” Roman declared, and Patton chuckled.

“It's not something I can get you to fight for me,” he reassured Roman. And it was true. He could never bear to put his loves in a position where they might feel like they had to choose a side. “I'll be fine, really.”

“Movie night later?” Roman suggested. “We can make caramel popcorn…”

A knot of emotions twisted in Patton's chest, and for a moment he felt like he was choking.

“… that sounds good,” he answered, eventually.

Roman gave him an extra-long squeeze before letting go, and guilt squirmed in Patton's gut for lying to him.

“Maybe you should go lie down for a bit,” Roman suggested. “You seem tired.”

“… yeah. Yeah, okay.”

By the time Patton had given up on managing to take a nap, everyone was in the kitchen laying the table for dinner and the movie night was well and truly inescapable.

“Are you feeling well, Patton?” Logan asked. “You look pale, and you're uncharacteristically quiet.”

“I just had kinda a rough day.”

“You seemed fine when you got in earlier,” Virgil commented, and Patton had to be imagining the suspicion in his voice, right?

“It didn't hit me until I sat down,” Patton lied, trying not to wince. “I'll be fine once I've slept, honestly. You don't need to worry about me.”

They all gathered on the sofa after dinner and…

Well, that was the worst part.

“Caramel popcorn for us sweet ones, and some salted for our two salty boys!” Roman declared, bringing two bowls over.

“From my understanding of the term, are you not “being salty” by making such a comment?” Logan asked. “Or is that throwing shade?”

Virgil grinned. “He's got you there, Princey.”

Roman ruffled Virgil's hair in retaliation as he walked past, and even as Virgil flustered, his gaze was soft when he looked at Roman. He put his arm around Logan's shoulders, his hand resting on Roman's neck when he sat down.

Patton, on Roman's far side, curled into him and tried to stop looking. Maybe, if he could stop himself from watching, he would stop feeling like an outsider, like an intruder onto something private.

That half-worked, until halfway through the movie, when Logan declared he needed a break to get a glass of water. Roman quickly motioned for Virgil to scoot over and join them, and immediately began playing with Virgil's hair.

“What is it with you and my hair?” Virgil grumbled. “You can't leave it alone.”

“It's so soft!” Roman replied. “C'mon guys, back me up.”

Logan paused at the back of the sofa to stroke his hand through the short hairs at the back of Virgil's neck.

“It is very pleasant,” he commented. “And you get this look on your face when your hair is played with that is truly breathtaking.”

“Guys…” Virgil whined, but he was smiling.

“Do you want us to stop?” Roman teased.

“Patton?”

It took a moment for Patton to register that Logan had said his name.

“Yeah, honeybee?”

“Are you sure you're alright? I can fetch some Advil if you require…”

All three of them are looking at him, and suddenly Patton couldn't handle it any more.

“I think I'm gonna turn in,” he said, abruptly standing up. “Maybe I am coming down with something.”

Roman took hold of his hand and squeezed it.

“Get some rest, love.”

“Let us know if you need anything,” Logan added.

Patton was out of the room before Virgil had a chance to speak.

He walked up the stairs slowly, hearing the conversation continue without him in the front room, his chest aching with every step.

When he reached the bedroom, he was careful to close the door. He wanted to be sure none of the others would hear before he let himself start to cry.

The next day, Patton woke up alone.

It had been a long time since that had last happened… but he had gone to bed early. The others had probably crowded into Virgil's room so they didn't disturb him.

Right?

He felt awful. He was drenched in sweat, his head ached, and he felt faintly nauseous. Roman had been right after all. He was under the weather with something.

Well, he didn't want to risk making anyone else sick. He fumbled for his phone, and called into the school, letting them know he wouldn't be in today. Then he curled up in a ball, his knees to his chest, shivering.

Logan came to look in on him, a little while later. He laid a hand on Patton's forehead, and brought him a fresh glass of water and some painkillers to take with it.

“Do you want me to stay home with you?” he asked, softly. “Virgil will be here regardless, but I know…”

“No, no, it's fine,” Patton said quickly, not wanting to hear how Logan was going to finish that sentence. “It's just a 24 hour bug. I'll be right as rain by this evening, you wait and see.”

Logan frowned, but he left anyway. Patton took the painkillers, and drifted fitfully back to sleep.

A short while later, Patton woke again. His headache had ebbed somewhat, but he felt worse if anything. He was so hungry it hurt, but at the thought of venturing downstairs to get food, his stomach twisted uncomfortably and he suddenly lost his appetite.

Patton swallowed, hard. He should try and eat something, or at least get another drink. He stumbled to his feet, blankets hugged tight around his shoulders. He felt light-headed, dizzy. He put a hand on the wall to keep himself steady, and fumbled his way into the hall.

Halfway down the stairs, a horrible thought hit him. Did he have a fever? He felt warm, and he was shivering earlier. What if he was burning up right now and didn't realise it? What if there was something really wrong with him, what if he was going to die –

He dashed down the last couple of steps and tore into the kitchen, hitting his hip on one of the chairs on the way past. He threw open the cupboard and started searching for the first aid kit, the thermometer – where was the darn thermometer–?

“Pat? You okay?”

Patton turned and Virgil was there, chewing on his nail, eyes wide and concerned.

“I need – thermometer –” It was hard to breathe, why was it hard to breathe – was his throat closing up? “Fever – I think –”

“Can I…?”

Virgil gestured his hand towards Patton's forehead. He bit his tongue, and nodded.

The back of Virgil's hand was cool and gentle against the burning, raging firestorm inside Patton's head. But Patton ached with the touch, knowing that it was from necessity only, because Virgil never would have offered otherwise –

“You feel okay to me. Can you take some slow breaths for me while I find the thermometer? Then we can check.”

Patton breathed deep, but something in his chest felt tight. He fought to hold the breath.

“In two three four,” Virgil murmured, “hold two three four, out two three four…”

Patton breathed along with the count, and his chest began to relax a little.

“Here we go.” Virgil handed Patton the thermometer. He stuck it in his mouth, and after a few seconds it beeped.

“Ninety-nine point one,” Virgil read off. “A little high, but not a fever. Just a couple too many blankets, I'd guess.”

He gave a soft smile, and it felt like a dagger through Patton's chest. If he let himself, he could almost believe Virgil loved him… but he knew better. This was only because he was being pathetic, and because Virgil cared about Logan and Roman enough that he knew he had to tolerate Patton, despite his dislike –

“Pat? Why don't you sit down a minute. Have you eaten anything yet today?”

Patton shook his head.

“My stomach…” he said vaguely.

“I can make you some plain toast,” Virgil offered. “But I really think you should sit down.”

Patton all but fell into one of the chairs, and let Virgil strip off a couple of the blankets from around his shoulders. He mutely watched Virgil making toast, half-miserable, half-desperate to believe the fantasy for as long as this moment lasted.

Virgil sat down opposite him, and watched him eat a full slice before speaking:

“Patton,” he said softly, and Patton knew something bad was going to follow. But he was surprised to hear: “Why were you so upset about the thermometer?”

“I thought I might have a fever. That I might be… really sick, and not know it.”

“Why did you think that?”

“Because something feels… wrong. Really really wrong.” Patton sighed. “Sorry, I don't –”

“I think I know what's wrong,” Virgil told him softly. Sorrowfully.

Patton felt the fear twist in his chest like a knife. The tears swelled up inside him before he had a chance to fight them down.

“I'm soulsick, aren't I?” he whispered, the words feeling like poison in his mouth.

“Pat, I – why would you think that?” Virgil asked, sounding horrified. “I'm right here, how could you be –”

“I broke it,” Patton gushed, all of a sudden. “I don't know what happened, but I made it go bad somehow, and now we aren't soulmates any more. You three are and I'm just… not, and I'm soulsick and I'm only going to get worse and worse because it feels like I'm _dying_ without you –”

“Breathe, Pat, c'mon, breathe with me.” Virgil's voice was ragged, stressed, but Patton tried his best to do as he asked. “You aren't soulsick, Patton. We're still soulmates, I can feel it. Can't you feel me?”

Patton nodded once, but – but –

“What if –”

“You can't stop being soulmates with someone, it doesn't work that way,” Virgil reassured him. “I've done a lot of research, trust me. If you could _stop_ , do you think I would have freaked out the way I did?”

Patton shrank in on himself a little.

 _Of course not_ , he chided himself. _If he could have gotten rid of you, he would have a long time ago_.

“Patton, listen to me,” Virgil said seriously. “I think I know what's wrong. I'm reading between the lines here, but… your stomach hurts, and it's hard to breathe, and the thoughts keep spinning in your head and you can't make them shut up?”

Patton hesitated, then nodded slowly.

“You aren't soulsick,” Virgil said. “I think you're having an anxiety attack.”

“… oh.”

Of course. It was all in Patton's head. He was so pathetically desperate for Virgil's attention that he had _literally_ made himself sick with worry.

“I'm… I'm so fucking sorry, Pat, I –” Virgil broke off with a hiss of breath. “I can call Logan, or Roman, they can come home and take care of you –”

“Why not you?” Patton asked, before he could think better of it. “You've… you know what it's like.”

“Yeah,” Virgil said, with a shrug. “But you need someone who can calm you down, help you get your head straight. Not… someone who's gonna make it worse.”

Patton thought about one of the others coming home to look after him. Imagined them asking him what was wrong, tried to picture the looks on their faces if he explained. Would they be heartbroken? Angry? Or simply frustrated with him, with his inability to handle such a small issue without having his hand held every step of the way –?

“It's fine,” Patton said quickly. “I'll be fine! You don't need to call them. If it's just anxiety, then I'll watch some TV and calm myself down, and I'll be right as rain –”

“Nope.” Virgil cut him off. “No, nuh-uh, no way, we are not doing that. You need to talk this out with someone –”

“I can't.”

“ _Patton_ –”

“I can't!” Patton's breath caught in his throat again. “I can't, I won't, you don't need to – just leave me alone! I know you don't want to be here, so go back to your room and let me handle this!”

Virgil started a little, his eyes wide, but he didn't leave. He took a slow, measured breath, and Patton followed him, trying to get his own racing pulse back under control.

“Why –” Virgil asked slowly. “Why wouldn't I want to be here?”

Patton rubbed a hand across his face.

“I'm too tired for this,” he said, flatly. “Can we just stop pretending we don't both know?”

Virgil frowned.

“I want to hear you say what you're thinking. I need to know we're on the same page.”

Patton sighed heavily.

“You –” His throat caught, but he was determined not to cry. “You wish I wasn't your soulmate.”

… For someone who already knew this information, Virgil was doing a good impression of looking as though Patton had just slapped him.

“I –” He swallowed. “I think –”

“It's fine!” Patton insisted, his voice going shrill and grating. “I know you're not going to leave again, I know you love Roman and Logan. That's enough! We can find a way to make it work, you don't have to – don't have to lo–”

He couldn't say the words.

“Patton.”

The sound of Virgil saying his name with such emotion was making Patton ache with longing.

“It's fine, everything's okay, I just have to –”

“Please, Pat.” Virgil jumped to his feet. “Can… can I hug you?”

Patton paused, then shook his head minutely side to side. He wanted it, oh how he wanted it. But it was all out in the open now, and he had to stop pretending. Had to stop grasping at scraps and trying to make them into more than they were. He'd get over this, if he only tried –

Virgil started pacing back and forth across the kitchen floor.

Patton bit his lip, hugging his arms tight.

“I should –”

“Wait? Please?” Virgil asked, an edge of strain in his voice. “I – I'm sorry, I know I'm not doing this right, but I need to – I gotta think for a minute, before I say anything. I want to get this right.”

“I…” Patton shrugged. “Is there honestly anything you need to say?”

Virgil paused, staring at him for a moment.

“ _Yes_ ,” he said, fervently. “Patton, I –” He nodded to himself. “Patton, I want to fall in love with you.”

“Oh, honey, no,” Patton said quickly. “You don't gotta – don't try and force it, you can't _make_ yourself feel something for me.”

“No,” Virgil said, his voice soft. “I wouldn't have to. I think I could fall for you quick and easy. Only –”

Patton's heart was in his mouth.

“Only…?”

“Only,” Virgil repeated, fidgeting with his hoodie strings, “I don't want to break you.”

Patton blinked at him, completely lost for words.

Virgil chuckled weakly.

“I guess I really fucked that one up, didn't I?”

“But I –” Patton shuddered, his shoulders shaking as he fought back a sob. “I broke _you_.”

Virgil froze.

“What?”

Patton hunched over, nausea rising in the back of his throat again.

“I was the one you spoke to,” he said. “I was the one who was meant to make you feel welcome, feel a part of the group. But instead you met me and you decided to leave –”

“No, no!” Virgil said urgently. “I would have left no matter who you were. That's on me, Pat. Don't blame yourself. I actually –”

Virgil hesitated, and sighed.

“I almost stayed for you. I wish I had, now, only – I was so scared. Not of you, of course not! You were so sweet, it made me think that I could handle being your soulmate… but I was scared that you couldn't handle being mine. I never – the last thing I wanted in the _world_ was for you to hurt like this, but I knew, I'm such a fuckup –”

Patton flinched, and Virgil backpedaled.

“Sorry, I know, I'm trying not to make this all about me, I swear. But the important part is that Patton… I think you're amazing. You've never been anything but kind and accepting and supportive, even though I've been a huge hassle and completely turned your life upside-down.”

“I wanted you to,” Patton said, his voice cracking a little. “Right from the start, I just wanted…”

Every part of Patton's body ached for him to reach out and take Virgil's hand. But he could see, in his mind's eye, so clearly, Virgil flinching away. And he knew that he couldn't handle that.

Even if a part of him was starting to believe Virgil might actually reach back.

“… Then why?” Patton asked. He was so tired, so full of hurt, that he couldn't – _wouldn't_ – hold back any longer. “If you don't hate me, if I didn't ruin things, then why are things… the way they are between us?”

Virgil didn't ask what he meant this time. He just looked at the ground, as though the weight of Patton's question was crushing him.

“Because I'm scared. I'm still scared, I'm always scared – I always _will_ be scared. Logan and Roman kind of knocked me off my feet, everything happened so fast – and I _love_ what I have with them, but…” He shrugged. “You've always let me set the pace. Maybe that was a mistake, 'cause I thought I should try to give us both some time. Time for you to get used to me. And time to… well.”

“Well what?” Patton asked, softly.

Virgil gave him a small smile.

“I thought maybe I could be a better person,” he said. “That I could become someone who deserved… you.”

Patton gasped. Suddenly, the tears were rolling down his cheeks thick and fast. He wrapped his around his stomach tighter, trying to squash the aching hole that Virgil's words had torn through him.

“I don't deserve _you_ ,” Patton sobbed. “You've been trying – so hard – and I've been – jealous, and – and _petty_ , because you – I thought you liked the others _more_ than me, and –”

“Pat, no, I –” Virgil bit at his thumbnail. “Are you _sure_ you don't want a hug?”

Patton reached out his arms, and in a heartbeat, Virgil was there, cradling him tight, letting Patton sob into his chest.

“Hey, hey, it'll be okay, I promise, I'll make it right –”

Patton sobbed harder as Virgil pressed kisses against his hair and rubbed his back in circles. He cried hard and ugly, until his eyes burned and his throat ached and his nose was full of snot, until his face was red and blotchy and his chest felt hollow and clean, like all the emotions had been rinsed away by tears.

And through it all, Virgil didn't let go.

When Patton was done crying, Virgil fussed over him a little. He brought Patton tissues and made him blow his nose, put the kettle on for tea and grabbed some cookies out of the cupboard. They walked through to the living room, Virgil keeping one hand on Patton's back the whole time, and curled up on the sofa, Patton tucked against Virgil's chest, ear against his heart.

“I'm sorry,” Virgil said, his fingers stroking slowly through Patton's hair.

“Hmm?”

“I should never have let things get this far,” Virgil clarified. “I should have –”

“Shh.” Patton sat up to look him in the eye. “You don't need to apologise to me.”

“I'm meant to be the one who knows about anxiety. I should have noticed.”

“And I'm meant to be the sensible, grown-up one.” Patton smiled ruefully. “We don't need someone to blame. We need to move past it.”

“Okay,” Virgil said. “Um, in case I wasn't clear enough… I _am_ attracted to you. In every sense of the word. I would think myself lucky, if you agreed to date me.”

Patton smiled a little.

“Then I guess you're lucky.”

Virgil blinked, his face suddenly softening in a way that melted Patton's heart like caramel.

“Oh,” he said. “Good. Uh, so. What does that look like, for you? What do you… want?”

“Hmm.” Patton thought for a moment, toying with Virgil's hoodie strings. “I want to get a turn cuddling you when we have movie nights. I want to have real conversations with you when we're alone together. I want to be able to hang out with you in the same room without feeling awkward.”

Virgil nodded, a small smile on his face.

“Yeah, I think we can manage that.”

“What about you?” Patton asked.

“I want… to get to know you better,” Virgil said. “I know this has been a long time coming, but I still don't like rushing into things. I want to take things slow.”

“Of course,” Patton said. “Uh… how slow were we talking, exactly?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…” Patton blushed a little. “How would you feel about me kissing you?”

Virgil hesitated, and Patton took a deep breath.

“This isn't, uh.” Virgil shrugged. “I know it's not exactly the most romantic first kiss.”

“I don't know,” Patton said. “You saved me. That's pretty romantic.”

“I didn't save you,” Virgil said. “And if I did, you saved me first.”

“Even better.”

When Virgil still made no move forwards, Patton leaned his head against his shoulder again. He was a little disappointed, sure, but he understood better now. If kissing was a big deal for Virgil, Patton could wait until they had their romantic moment.

“I, uh –” Patton stumbled. “I'm not the best with words, sometimes? It's easier for me to say what I mean with hugs and kisses, cause words get all jumbled up in my head. But if you aren't ready for that, I wanted you to know that… I love you. With all my heart. And I'm gonna do whatever it takes to make us work. Okay?”

“Hey, Pat?” Virgil said.

Patton looked up, and Virgil put a hand on his cheek. He leaned closer, giving Patton the chance to pull away, and Patton leaned towards him instead.

Their lips met softly, hesitant but without even a moment of uncertainty. It was a promise, or at least a hope, shared between them.

It said everything Patton needed to hear.

That evening, when Roman and Logan returned home, they would find the two still curled together on the sofa, both asleep in each other's arms. That evening, Patton and Virgil would blush and stammer as they explained what had transpired to their exasperated-but-relieved soulmates, and be swept into a hug by them both. That evening, Patton would find his symptoms all-but-vanished, his anxiety abated, and he would sleep peacefully in the arms of his loves.

But for now, the two men kissed each other gently, and held each other tight, and for the first time, Patton found that being alone with Virgil felt entirely and perfectly _right_.

**Author's Note:**

> Come hang out with me on Discord! <https://discord.gg/YsEQWwa>


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